Thought crime!

Nowadays I started to wonder again: can we really think what we want, or do we need to control our thoughts as well? Honestly, I don’t know the correct answer. And I guess I can only come to certain conclusions and it might be the case, that the ultimate truth will never cross my mind! In case you have some wisdom or even an itworks recipe, please help out on this one, thanks in advance.

Everyone agrees, that there are quite specific rules of the world, and we are punished for doing something that falls beyond these common rules, depending on the level of us going only a bit further or way across the border. But can our thoughts poison our lives in the long term, even if we do NOT, never ever actually do them, they never ever become real life deeds and they are locked forever in our brains? And what about short term freedom of our thoughts? Are we allowed to think aggressively, or sexually or ANY WAY we’d like, and if yes, shall we keep our thoughts to ourselves or can we share them with the world without being judged, banned or called names?

Thinking about this freedom of thoughts, my opinion and experience is the following: hell no! We are definitely NOT allowed to think what we want! And not because other people may read our minds, and not because they might come true in the future, no.

The reason I say this is because it turns out, that we people tend to unleash our thoughts now and then to our family, to our friends, to our acquiantences, to our neighbors. I guess therapy doesn’t count in this sense – but let’s keep this part of the subject to the people who are willing to change their inside worlds by using professional help (you go!).

Going back to the headline, on some days I feel like I am a cruel mass murderer, other days I am a pervert sexmaniac and there are those days when I am a true world hugger with unconditional love towards even the biggest assholes in my life!

Is it normal, should I get my appointment ASAP or will I become one day one or the other of the above? I don’t have any future vision about that, I am just trying to gather my thoughts about thought crime with a deep longing for feedback, understanding or maybe some empathy and other fellow thought-criminals.

Am I the only one, who could kill for having her kid cry, no matter who how the heck old that person was? Am I the only one, who could have jealosy outbursts every second week, no matter how many times I’m told to be pretty or attractive or smart? Am I the only one, who, when starts talking, people get offended, but when keeps quiet, others offend her?

Should I go and bury myself, because of my thoughts now and then otherwise I am gonna turn out to be the clown from „IT”? What the hell is going on?

I believe that at some point, you either START talking or you KEEP quiet slowly die inside, eaten alive by yourself. What is my job about that secret room in my brain that’s sealed according to my best knowledge, but sometimes fugitives still leak and find their way out through my mouth (or through my essays)?

I am clueless. Because if I let them grow by themselves and leave them unattended, from one little thought crime seed a whole jungle develops. But if I phrase them somehow to the outer world, which is, trust me, hard and shameful enough for me already, I get punished for them EVERY SINGLE TIME! Unless I sew my lips together, I have this amazing vision of myself ending up to be really my worst nightmare: a child, a mother, a woman and a lover having serious issues in all mentioned areas, a dysfunctional person failing in all areas of life, whose funeral would be the best party of the year.

But if I do this, I will end up in a hospital with uncurable tumors all over dieing at age 40, mind you, a (quiet) (saint) (nice) (smiling) (innocent) (loved) dead body, a no-one…

This song describes well enough my feelings, and you there, reading this, let me know YOUR choice!


Alice A

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